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prologue: 

 

silence

LENGTH: 2:38

FLAVOR: space liturgy

In the beginning was the Word,

and the Word was bored.

 

What primordial force was to carry out

its divine mission, Good or Evil?

 

And which of His creatures would be

best suited for observation?

 

The angels were too busy praising Him,

so He thought it'd be impolite to ask.

 

Dogs are cute, but animals in general are too dumb to speak. So the burden of morality fell on the next best thing, 

—the Humans.

So perimeters were set upon the uncontainable. A packet of atoms was introduced, which grew after a giant sneeze. It is what we call the visible Universe.

For the sake of narration, that is, the delineation of a line in a decidedly un-linear ball of mass and space, a small parcel will be followed from the Word from the beginning of Time, through about 35 thousand years ago, up until the present day, wherein that very small speckle will take the shape of a meddling human, aged 35.

     His name is Adam Sandler. (No relation.)

Adam Sandler is, the Everyman—

meaning, lazier than most.

 

He has above-average eyesight and an IQ not worth mentioning. That is to say, if a baseball traveling at a speed of 76 miles per hour were hurled towards Mr. Sandler, he would have adequate visual correspondence to respond accordingly, physically and instinctively, and not waste time cognizing the fact. 

     Unfortunately, he was more the musical type.

Alas, what in any other occasion would be dreadful is, in fact, for the purposes of the experiment, perfect. For here was a creature clearly suited, above all others, to trace the governing principles, the unregulated impetuses, and cosmic entities known as Good and Evil.

Here was a man who, in his statistically unremarkable, modest and humble, profane yet profound way, would perfectly illustrate the guiding principles of Life, Nature, the Universe and beyond.

     Here was, a "Simpleton."

"Remember," ushered the Word. "By the end of this narration, one of you will be deemed the reigning force in my absence. So please, observe, govern, and manage accordingly." 

 

Good wagged its tail enthusiastically.

Evil yawned, while licking its paw disdainfully.

"Well, what are you waiting for!?" boomed the Word.

     

"Let the showdown begin!"