4/10 

AESOP

IV

LENGTH: 2:38

FLAVOR: cyber fairytale

Once, there was a strange noise coming from the refrigerator. Puzzled, the owner opened and checked inside. Inside, he located the source of the strange sound—leftovers, from a halal-cart. He could not remember how old.

     Fluorescent green was eating through its tin-foil.

     The high-frequency sort of humming, was coming from within it.

     With rubber gloves and a surgical mask over his face, the young man attempted to reach in and pull it out. That was when the foil slipped open, tearing the fabric of reality into another dimension.

     "Ahh~!" shouted the young man, spiraling into the vortex.

     The portal opened and dropped him into the lapping waves of a small island. Splashing around, the young man looked about. He was most impressed with what he saw—

     Young women and octopi, swimming in perfect, laughing harmony.

     Pirated booty lying scattered freely along the shores.

     It was, in short, a most wondrous wasteland.

     "I know this place," the young man rubbed his eyes. "Is this... could this be?"

     "Not quite, lad," appeared an elderly looking wizard. The wizard opened his arms and embraced the young man. "Welcome to Heaven!"

     "But it looks just like the Internet..."

     "It's the same really," admitted the wizard, "except YouTube doesn't have ads; Costco's membership is free; Amazon will ship your items on time, even if you're not Prime; ...and you won't get roasted if you accidentally called a transperson a 'dude'."

     "I can't believe it," said the young man, a tear in his eye. "It's... it's almost too good to be true..."

     "Now hang on there, son," the wizard cast the young man a solemn look. "We must first evaluate your fitness for entry. Let's see here." He snapped his fingers and summoned a scroll out of thin air—

     The young man looked about nervous.

     "Wow," said the wizard, after a few moments' pause. "Most impressive."

     The wizard licked his lips. "It seems... well. I don't know how else to say it. You are perfect." 

     "I know," said the young man, looking down sheepishly.

     "Never torrented a movie? Never pirated anything?"

     "Gotta respect the artist," the young man blushed.

     "Never spammed down-kick in Street Fighter,

     "Never used a blue-shell upon your enemies...

     "Never even threw baby penguin off the cliff in Super Mario 64...

     "AND you plant trees, as a hobby!?"

     The young man glowed like sunrise.

     "Boy oh boy," said the wizard. "You must be the most eligible candidate—wait."

     "Huh?"

     The wizard lowered the scroll and looked up sternly.

     "Have you ever lied, son?"

     "Dude," defended the young man. "I didn't even kill the penguin."

     "So you're saying," the wizard continued.

     "You've read through every Terms and Conditions before accepting them?"

     "...Oh snap."

     "Snap is right, son," said the wizard. The wizard snapped his fingers, and the young man imploded like a million firecrackers.

     Just kidding.

     An oversized octopus shot forth its tentacles and dragged the young man down with it into the deep, unknown abyss below.

      "Alas," said the wizard, shaking his head sadly,

"OVERLY LITIGIOUS SOCIETIES MAKE LIARS OF US ALL."